#i love commando tho i think he deserves the best

[sugarflow]

YES. YESS.. YEAHHHHHHHHHH

[luvt0kki]

BESTIE I WILL PASS AWAYWHEUDBDJDBDHDN

FINALLY WOOYU ACTION YAYAYAYAYAYAY

BRB CRYING SCREAMING (without the S) LAUGHING KICKING MY FEET LIKE A DOOFUS

also I need some hongjoong moments bc when he called her “naughty little kitten” I fainted 🫠🫠 BUT AKSJDIJDIDJD ALSO JONGHOS TEASING TOWARDS MINGI IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVERSKSKZKZKKZKXKDXNNXKS

ALSO LOVE MINGI FLIRTY COMMENTS- AND THE WAY YOU MADE HUM CHOKE WHEN HE SAW YOU WERE COMMANDO MAKE ME CACKLEJSJDNDJD

Anygayyss- I mean way, to put it softly I’m obsessed with this series 😆🔫 and will be thinking about this when my mom forces me to go to church tomorrow (I’ll prolly need that hobi- holy water tho tbh)

I think I need at LEAST (notice the “least”) a week to recover from this 🤡🤡

anyways (gays) ily pooks 🫶 just know that there are people going feral for your fanfic rn 😇😇 and that your so special and deserve all the praise for your fanfic that you get 💙🌹

AHHHH thank you ;-;

Yes! Woo got some action and I gave some Hongjoong x mc moment hehe Jongho is bebiboy who has to deal with his older members childishness 😭 Mingi is my fave to write in this fic cause he can be so silly then hot all at once HAHAHA thank you so much for reading sway with me! I really appreciate the feedback and you taking the time to scream in my askbox 🥺💕 sometimes when I open the app when I’m feeling down and see people’s responses it makes me feel a little better in my off days. Thank you. Thank you for tuning it for every chapter;-; I’ll do my best for the next one!

[dollslayer]

Please continue the Scandal-based Steve fic, you write the best angst ever!!!!

A/N: As you wish! Thank you so much for reading, hope this is up to par 💖 (ps- if you commented on the first one I'm tagging you for this follow up, no permanent tags tho don't worry!)

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Steve Rogers x Peggy Carter

Warnings: pseudo-cheating, angst, alcohol consumption, swearing, love triangle, secret relationship

Part One HERE I Main Masterlist

It’s been an entire week since you walked out on Steve. He never did find the words to tell you that he wasn’t going to leave Peggy, but you never found the words to explicitly leave him, either. You were both in a game of chicken that you’d unknowingly started and neither of you had found the courage to finish it.

It was so easy when you were swept up in the moment, a storm of anger and hurt that finally came to a breaking point. But now you were past it and found yourself lost. The only thing making you feel better was seeing that Steve was having just as hard a time as you were. He wasn’t as outgoing, he was making dumb mistakes, he was off his game. You didn’t necessarily want Steve to suffer but it was reassuring in some way, to know that he felt anything for you. You just wanted this entire mess to be over.

But when the mess was over, what would you want to come of it? Do you even want to be with Steve any more? Or do you just not want him to be with Peggy? Thinking it through, what you felt for Steve was real, real enough to pull on your heartstrings and real enough to hurt. After all of the grief that Steve has caused you you’re not sure that you could properly forgive him. Maybe over time but you couldn’t see yourself trying to rebuild your relationship when the two of you had so much else to focus on.

So now you were caught in some sort of relationship purgatory because you were too afraid to end it. And he was too much of a coward to admit he’s been in the wrong this whole time. Honestly you can’t justify Steve’s actions on any level when it came down to it. His men are in the midst of war and fighting Hydra and he really thinks that a relationship is going to be their saving grace and reassurance? Bull.

On some level, no matter how deep it is, Steve saw something for her that he didn’t see in you and he felt some affection for her. Maybe saying that the relationship was just a front was his way of covering his real feelings for her. But he’d be damned if he thought he could have his cake and eat it too. You’d spent many a night cycling through this thought process and ending up right where you started.

Getting nowhere in your deliberating you decided to bury yourself in your work. You’d always felt that it was fulfilling work, you helped civilians and military alike with your work and you were damn good at it. So you plunged head-first into your codebreaking and strategy-forming and put your in-limbo relationship on the back burner.

Throwing yourself head first into work turned out to be in your best interest for the time being. The last two missions had been a success but per usual, you had gone unrecognized. That’s fine, you didn’t need to be patted on the back every time you excelled but every once in a while it would be nice. And thanks to your codebreaking, once again, you find yourself stuck in the corner of the dingy pub you had lost your mind in just a week ago. Unappreciated. Or so you thought.

You sat back thinking Steve wasn’t under Peggy’s thumb this time but he was trying his best to make the most of the moment over a pint with the rest of the commandos. And you were back in what was becoming your usual corner of the pub, sipping on a dry red wine. It was bitter on your tongue but after the week you’ve had you needed a drink, even if it meant seeing them.

“You did good back there, thank you” Bucky’s voice shook you from your thoughts. “Okay if I sit?”

You were so caught off guard by anyone really speaking to you, let alone praising you that you couldn’t find anything to say. You just stared at Bucky with wide eyes before nodding slowly. He settled into the chair next to you and took a swig from his bottle.

“You know, on the outside you don’t seem like you’re gonna be much but when you put yourself to work… it’s somethin’ else. You’re a natural.” Bucky told you.

“Um, thanks, I guess?” You brushed off the compliment to give him one of your own, “We wouldn’t be sitting here right now if it weren’t for you all. I’m just some codebreaker, you’re the one doing the leg work”

“Give yourself some credit, you deserve it.” Bucky patted you on the shoulder and for the first time in weeks you felt a spark of genuine happiness. You shyly smiled up at Bucky and took a sip of your wine.

“So, you wanna tell me what’s got Steve snappin’ his cap at everyone? You two break up?”

Your eyes rounded in surprise. You were so sure that no one had known. You were so sure Steve didn’t want anyone to so it didn’t occur to you that Bucky might’ve known.

“Did… Steve tell you? About us?”

“Didn’t have to. I ran after him to talk a few weeks ago and found you two smoochin’”

Your face heated in slight embarrassment but you nodded in understanding.

“I just… it’s not fair that he should show her off like she’s his sweetheart while I’m treated like some dirty secret. I gave him a piece of my mind and he wasn’t able to cope. But I don’t know where this leaves us. He didn’t split but there’s just no way we could go on like this.”

Bucky looked a little miffed but grunted in affirmation. He shook his head and clenched his jaw.

“I knew he and Peggy weren’t for real but what he’s been doin’ to ya ain’t right. Sorry Steve’s been such a knucklehead. My two cents, you go back to him and confront him. And if he’s too much of a punk to see what he’s got you walk.”

You shakily exhale and take another gulp before setting your palms flat against the table.

“Easier said than done, but you’re right”

“I love him, he’s my brother but forget him if he’s too much of a jerk to know what he’s got. But for now let’s just get pleasantly drunk, whaddya say?”

Rather than giving him an answer you downed the rest of your glass and put it down on the table. Bucky was looking at you with a toothy grin.

“Atta girl”

____

The evening had been as promised, you were pleasantly drunk and for the first time in weeks you were letting yourself enjoy the moment. Bucky was funny and kind to you when no one else had even batted an eye and you found yourself grateful for his company that night.

You were humming to yourself as you walked back to your room but just when you reached for the door a hand reached out for your wrist. You didn’t need to look up to know that the hand belonged to Steve. You denied yourself the comfort you found in physical contact and reminded yourself of the situation. You sighed and looked up to him expectantly.

“You and Buck? Just what the hell’s going on?” Steve demanded.

“Oh so now you want to talk to me? You only care now that you’re not my main focus?” You shot right back at him. You swayed slightly, tipsy still from the wine.

Steve’s jaw tensed and he schooled his features though you could tell he was simmering on the inside.

“No”, he said calmly, “I just wanted to know. If you’re trying to make me jealous it’s not going to work.”

“Well I wasn’t trying but apparently it is working.”

Steve’s hands balled into fists and you could see veins beginning to spout in his hands. He didn’t say anything so you continued.

“I give you an ultimatum and tell you how much you’ve hurt me and you only come back once I turn my attention to your best friend? He’s the only one that’s said a nice word to me this whole time. The rest have been caught up in the lie you’ve been spinning with Peggy!”

Your anger was getting the better of you but you were letting it. Anger got you through it the first time, it’ll get you out no matter how it ends.

“That’s not fair-”

“You’re not fair, Steve. The way you’ve been treating me, it isn’t right! I gave you a choice and you’ve been dragging your feet. I’m going to ask you one more time, Steve. Me? Or Her?”

Steve was silent again, you could tell he wasn’t thinking about what he wanted, but he was forming an answer. Deep down you knew it would come to this. He’s never going to hold your hand in public, there’s never going to be an apartment in Brooklyn, there’s never going to be an us between you. Maybe there never was.

Steve started to call your name but you shook your head and scrunched your eyes closed in a mixture of frustration and pain. Tears were welling in your eyes but you’d be damned if Steve Rogers would see a single one fall. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve you, he never did.

“I’m sorry…” Steve offered lamely.

“No, you’re not.” Maybe that wasn’t fair of you to say, Steve did look to be in genuine emotional pain over this but right now you didn’t care. If he had felt any true remorse he wouldn’t have let himself get anywhere with Peggy in the first place.

“I really did want all of that with you, I still do. We could still have it, we just need to get through this, please.”

You shook your head and started ushering him towards the door.

“No, Steve. That’s all gone now. You had your chance but I’m worth more than how you treat me.”

You opened the door and waited for him to leave.

“I think you should go. I don’t have anything left to say to you.”

With that Steve sighed heavily but left with his head hung between his shoulders. You could’ve sworn he was crying but you didn’t care if he was. He made this happen and he didn’t treat you right. So this is what happened.

Tears finally make their way down your face but you don’t feel sad. It’s cathartic almost, like a weight lifted. You’d probably put in for a transfer with the SSR just to save the team the grief but for now you’d keep your head down, keep working. Damn Steve Rogers for not seeing in you what you saw in yourself and damn anyone else that didn’t either.

[before-whatgod]

How I Would Fix the MCU Movies (in chrono order)

Black Widow is mentioned but there are no spoilers! also this is super long sorry lol

CA:TFA

--More time with the howling commandos- instead of a montage with their battles with sit with them and feel their struggles. we feel not only capt’s grief but everyone on the team when bucky ‘dies’. idk would have loved to see more of a band of bothers bond 

Captain Marvel 

--I saw/read somewhere that her story could have work really well with a similar structure as CA:TFA and i agree. they were so concerned with making carol look powerful that they forgot to give her the fiery/badass personality we were promised. there was too much telling not enough showing 

Iron Man 

--Literally Nothing. Perfect. Great Intro to the series. 

Iron Man 2 

--again really solid movie i wish the villains were a bit more developed by tbh this is my fav iron man movie 

The Incredible Hulk 

--babes i dont even remember this movie its super cool they keep rossi around from it tho. hes literally the only thing the mcu kept from this monstrosity i would keep a similar plot structure but with mark ruffalo and a better script and tbh a better evrything. cannot tell you where to start with this jesus   

Thor 

--would have liked to see of the personality thor has later on in the timeline line- but it is interesting to think maybe he developed his humor and friendliness from his time on earth, idk this movie was kinda dull? i mean everything is dull compared to ragnarok and better compared to the dark world so idk how to fix that- maybe less of chris’s weird screaming- definitely less of chris’s screaming 

The Avengers 

--honestly love this movie-great set up to the team dynamics wouldn’t change anything. i love the nostalgia i get from watching this  

Iron Man 3 

--another movie i dont really remember but? this is the one with the bunny right? i feel like after iron man 1 the quality of tony’s enemies has gone down hill but i could watch rdj do anything so overall good experience 

Thor: The Dark World  

--besties what even happened in this movie like, jane babes what are we doing. loki is as amazing as ever tho. but like ‘oh no lokis dead again whatever are we going to do’ i would simply through the whole thing away- keeping jane going to asgard, loki being dramatic, and the relationships of the asgardian gang we get to see. also the reality stone thats pretty important 

CA:TWA 

--I. Love. This. Movie. my fav in the whole timeline. can you tell im a capt girl? literally the best wow won’t change a thing 

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1

--so! much! fun! i love their family dynamics and tbh i love peter quill (we all did until pratt was a dick but) 

Guardians Vol. 2 

--I wasn’t obsessed with this movie but I cant quite figure out how i would change it- it was visually beautiful and emotionally beautiful but idk something felt off until the very end 

Age of Ultron 

--hot take- i really like this movie. i like how it completely changes the direction of the series and makes the mcu feel so real, like the friend ship seen- i would have like more clint so his character arc in endgame would have been impactful i dont hate the farm family but man i sure dont love them jesus but yea i love the dialogue and the only thing i would really change is clint’s involve meant. also helen cho deserved to have a bigger part in the mcu 

Ant-Man 

--super fun! i feel like this movie is great the way it is- a familiar super hero movie when the series was starting to get pretty dense with the lore wont change anything 

CA:CW 

--i read somewhere this movie was originally going to be steve and sam and the rest of the squad finding bucky and i was robbed. over time the mcu starting telling us how great steve and buckys relationship was instead of showing us. like men can show each other affection marvel that is a thing that happens but tbh i loved this movie- i would change a lot but i still really enjoyed it 

Spiderman: Homecoming 

--its so cute i love it but I miss andrew garfields peter- he felt more like the comics but besties i love this movie and tom i would just change how ton is characterized to be more comic actuate but also maybe not idk 

Doctor Strange

-- tilda swinton owns my heart and sole. but imma be honest i saw this in theaters 3 weeks after a horrid concussion and i remember none of it and thinking about it makes me sick (love head trauma) so imma just leave it how it is 

Black Panther 

--nothing. its art. 

Black Widow

--I’m writing this around an hour after I watched the movie and tbh I dont know how I feel about it. I dont love it yet but im not quite sure why yet- its most likely the pacing it felt a little rushed to me but idk yet ill be able to gather all my thoughts in a later post prolly 

Thor: Ragnarok 

-- to think i can even dream to improve on anything taika waititi is putting bad karma into the universe. that man is a genius. you can feel just how comfortable everyone is in their characters which makes for a great performance

Ant-Man and the Wasp 

--the breather we all needed after iw but i dont think anyone really loved it- no idea how to fix it but yknow it was just bland 

Avengers: Infinity War 

--I loved it. I loved it so much. obviously there are some bad things here and there but i would not change a thing 

Avengers: Endgame 

--I hated it. I hated it so much. obviously there are some good things here and there but i would not keep a thing. 

(I have in fact written an essay about said topic bc i felt so passionate about it i did not know what else to do)

Spiderman: Far From Home 

--I dont know something was off for me with this one- again I think it was a pacign issues but I am not sure how I would change it 

I might do the tv shows in another post- but if i do those i want to include the netfilx marvel tv shows as well as the agent carter and agents of shield series(es?) 

anyway thank you for reading all of this if you did!

[howtotrainyouragents]

Agent H’s AOS Rewatch

S2E10 “What They Become” 

I wrote this out during the actual rewatch week, but I didn’t realize I never posted it! Boy, did this get long. 

-I had to do a liveblog of this episode because it’s one of my favorites of the season, and we get SKYE’S TRANSFORMATION! 

-Okay, so @the fandom who were around back then: at what point did people guess they were doing a terrigenesis/Inhumans storyline? Because I only learned that’s what they were doing via the internet frenzy after the episode was over

Ward, May, Coulson, and HYDRA

-MAY’S. EPIC. FLYING. FUDGE YYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH. This is so fucking brilliant of her, dead-dropping the plane and then cloaking.

-”I would put two of these (bullets) in his heads”. Plus, Coulson always looking at the good side: “you saved six agents”.  I didn’t do a liveblog of  2x09, but that conversation with Bobbi about acceptable casualties is SO IMPORTANT and vital to who Coulson is and the show overall and you know that’s the moment Bobbi truly supported Coulson.

-Good callback: Before Coulson freaked out that Skye was taken. Now he’s confident that she’ll be able to handle herself until they can get in there.

-”Hand me your side arm, let’s find out”-Skye

-Is Ward’s personality shift (though still a psychopath) this first half of the season because he’s lost without Garrett or because he believes he can be redeemed through helping Skye? Both?

-Yass queen, pick up the diviner

- I loved seeing the bad guys maneuvering around each other in Season 2a, and all of that coming to a head this episode. But I don’t know why Ward and Skye and all attacked and then they just stopped. I think they could have taken the HYDRA goons easily

-“Never turn your back on the enemy.” You know I’m glad Skye shot Ward too. It’s closure on his belief that she can redeem him that’s been carrying him through these last ten episodes.

-I never realized that Agent 33′s voice was distorted

-HYDRA, SHIELD, and the aos writers treated Kara so badly, and I am yelling shame and ringing the bell at all of them.

Hunter and Bobbi

-“If he really is dead, the number of people I trust on this planet, just plummeted.” The Huntingbird hug is so beautiful! How strong Bobbi pretends to be (“Whenever this is all over, I’m gonna cry for like a week”= so real) and how she lets herself go with Hunter. She’s so surprised by the hug at first, and I love how much taller she is than him. He knows about the flashdrive, but he tries to comfort her anyway and that makes me sad and touched. 

-”Diego’s early and he’s wearing a suit.”-Bobbi

-The kiss! Ugh, Huntingbird really does fill all the classic OTP tropes

-”Don’t die out there.” “He likes to hear it.” “Who doesn’t like to hear it??”

-”Join SHIELD, travel to excotic distant people, meet exciting unusal people, and kill them” -Hunter 

Fitz, Simmons, Tripp, and the Koenigs

-Bahahaha, the Koenigs, His little thumbs up and Hunter rolling his eyes for his life (Hunter would die in the middle of saying something sarcastic, and I will stake my life on that). Also good reuse of the pod units but this time for good (rather than, you know, bottom of the ocean and dying). Sidenote, did we see the pods anytime before Skye gets shot?

-I love Fitzsimmons working together (finally) in the holding cell. I love how the minute they say they’re not gonna work together anymore, they have to work together. Here, they’re so polite but also they’ve got such a natural rhythm. Simmons seems like she wants to talk about them but he’s like oh no, wasn’t talking about myself! Fitz is both back to himself and also gotta new groove (his recovery is going well!). Simmons being genuinely worried for Mack. FITZ’s LOOK OF LOVE

-I only appreciated it on this rewatch, but the show has good continuity of Fitzsimmons/team vs alien tech/bio. They spend majority of season 1 finding 084s and researching their properties and learning how they interact with human biology. Then second season plays off the events of the first season: they’ve seen how many times alien tech/biology is dangerous and they’ve seen it infect and kill so many people. It makes perfect sense why Simmons and the others would be cautious about this alien stuff (Fitz is the loyal one, remembering that this is their friend they’re talking about it and he’s got (blind) faith when it comes to his friends). Season 2 is like introduction to actual aliens (as opposed to relics/artifacts/Asgardians) and how human Inhumans are. Season 3 builds on that further by exploring the good and bad sides of Inhumans.

-I didn’t do a liveblog of the previous episode, but Fitz’s “If you’re looking for vacation time, bribery will get you nowhere. I’ve tried.” is golden. I like the little character traits they give Fitz like, in addition to being a literal genius and all the trauma he’s faced, he’s just a quietly disgruntled SHIELD employee who just wants vacation time and warmer AC (re: season 4)  

-Howling Commando gear!!!!!

-Aww, Tripp flirting with Simmons and Fitz is just like…  

-The Koenig cloning jokes, hahaha (Poor Tripp)

-First mention of Theta protocol! Dun dun dunnn

-We don’t know what the alien tech is. But Hazmat suits should do the job. :)

-I remember the Fitz splitting off scene being hilarious. Is it because he’s miffed at the flirting, miffed at Simmons, or just genuinely proving that he can do things now?

-Simmons touching Fitz’s arm. And then him holding her later!!!

Cal and Skye 

-Cal and Skye’s meeting! This is an emotional, painful reunion. 

-I LOVE the actor who plays Cal, he does fantastic job. Seriously how did they get him and Dichen Lachmann to play her parents?? Well done, casting director

-I love that they make Skye biracial just like how Chloe Bennet is and it’s relevant to her storyline

-So to recap Skye’s backstory. Her mother is taken by Whitehall but is released when he gets captures in the 40s. She’s born to her parents, but Whitehall captures Jiaying again. Cal rescues Jiaying, and they return, but HYDRA had already taken Skye as an 084 (?). SHIELD teams led by Audrey then take care of SKye until she is given to an orphanage. Correct?

-”People liked me. I liked myself.” This line deserves much meta

-Teach you about the stars= Inhumans. I love how that’s a total throwaway innocent line, but it all makes sense once you know. 

-Just when Skye has figured out life as a SHIELD spy, her world gets rocked again. But I think this path is a good development because she’s not just a regular SHIELD agent: She was born on the outside; learned to think in unusual ways; she’s bubbly and warm and compassionate when SHIELD agents before were typically taught to be rationale and merciless. She’s born to be a new kind of SHIELD agent as well as the bridge between Inhumans and SHIELD

-The lullaby :(

-”Best Day Ever” -Cal

-I mean the emotional manipulation of “After you change I’m the only one who’ll understand” is bad, but he was right in the sense that they all were afraid of her

-Skye wanting to stop the drill and get the obelisk as a way of making it up to Coulson and because she’s a good SHIELD agent. But, like, she knows that’s what her father wanted, so does she just believe she won’t get caught up in whatever is going on? Does she go because fate is pulling her? Does this show believe in fate?? *thinks about all the future time-travelling shenanigans and gets a headache*

THAT ENDING THO

-The thing with Mack presumed dead freaking broke my heart, but it’s a good  fake out to blindside us with Tripp’s death. 

-IMO, the obelisk is a good fake out for terrigenesis crystals. Even if I knew about Inhumans stuff before hand, I wouldn’t have put it together through what info they give us on the obelisk in previous episodes

-THE TRANSFORMATION. “”WHAT WE BECOME” AKA THE QUESTION THAT WAS ASKED WAY BACK IN SEASON ONE IS FINALLY GETTING ANSWERED. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. The chanting, man. Is it the same one we’ve heard before?

- “I gotta admit I’m just the tiniest bit nervous.” I could write an essay on why I love this line.

-SKYE’S TRANSFORMATION. IT’S SO POWERFUL AND SO HEARTBREAKING. THEY’RE BOTH JUST TRYING TO SAVE EACH OTHER. I’M CRYING. 

-I probably just need to rewatch this again, but why didn’t anything happen to Tripp when the terrigenesis first activated but then he gets hurt when he gets hit?  Like is it the terrigenesis won’t hurt him, but touching the crystals/obelisk will? 

-Ya’ll are gonna hate me for this, but... I get why Tripp had to die. Like, it devastated me and still does and its racist and HE DID NOT DESERVE IT. But from the storyline POV, I see why he was chosen to die. Tripp was incorporated into the story in season 1 to replace Ward. We needed an action guy on the team because half the team is non-combat and we needed someone who was genuinely good to balance out the real Ward. But season 2, everyone’s shifted roles. We have Daisy, Hunter, Bobbi who all fill the action roles, so Tripp’s primary role is no longer necessary. He’s (intentionally?) underdeveloped: he does a variety of things, but he’s not filling any one role nor is he vital in any specific relationship, the way Coulson, May, Fitzsimmons, and Skye are, and he doesn’t contribute to the season’s plot the way Hunter, Bobbi, and Mack do. Plus, it’s a really shitty symbolism of how the show is progressing to darker tones by killing of their sunshine boy.

-Anyway, I cant believe they just end like that for a mid-season finale. Top ten moments of superhero genre, without question. Also, is this the first time we here’s Daisy’s theme song? Because I’ve mentioned before how powerful and sad-sounding it is

-GORDON!!!!!!! 

[stlynnthoria]

Today while napping....

I had a very interesting dream where I was on some sort of stream with Chris Demarais, Michael Jones, Jeremy Dooley, and I think some other Roosterteeth people were there in the background? Anyway, I don't really remember what we were talking about on it but I guess the cameras were set up for bust shots, because I was there without pants. At one point I made a comment about someone's clothes and Michael was like "Man you have no room to talk, like what are YOU wearing on your legs? What is that??" And there was lots of laughter but it was towards the end of the stream and so I was like "It's nothing, I dunno what you're talking about! You're gonna make the audience think there's somehjng weird about me but this is completely normal!" And he was like "Yeah no, if you don't wanna explain thats fine but whatever is up woth you that's not normal" then looked at the camer and said "Just so you know, she's not normal, I dunno why we have her here" and then Chris was like "Hey now, it may be a luck thing or something" and Michael was like "Who's getting lucky with her?? Is it you?" And Chris and I were both backtracking with that and there was more laughter. After the stream ended, Jeremy asked if it was my fav pair of underwear and I was telling him how it was and I'd had them for years (???? What even dream-me?), and he askes if I was going commando and I was like what? So he explained that he has a lot of underwear that has holes where his balls are and be understands how uncomfortable chaffing can be because of that, so is it ever uncomfortable? And like no that's why I've had this pair for years they're super comfy.

And then Jeremy asked me to do him a favor, and it was to go to North Korea with him to visit his parents. I said yes and he was like "I didn't think you would say yes!" Ans Chris was nearby and was like "That is insane!" And I said "What's so crazy about it, I have the extra money for it and I've always wanted to go to an Asian country. I mean, I was aiming more for Japan, but this works" Then we set off for the airport without me even packing anything. We took like this subway to it, and met Gavin Free and Meg Turney there for it (they were going to North Korea for something else). While on the subway, we stood by this Korean chick and some white dude. They seemed to know eachother, and the white dude was talking about how the Korean chick was a legit prostitute and how she should be used to him coming on to her, and she was trying to say she wasn't. Eventually the guy stopped talking to her and started some convo with Meg and was getting uncomfortably close to her, until Gavin casually slid between their bodies ans stares the dude down. After we got off the Subway, I turned to Meg and was like "That's the best real life anime block save I've seen! He's good boyfriend material!" And she was like "Yeah I love when he does that it makes me feel so special. I just wish there was a way I could shout a phrase and he could do it faster" and I was like "Yeah but then you run the risk of turning him from thoughtful boyfriend to possessive boyfriend" and she was like "Yeah that's true" (glad that shit made sense to you dream-Meg because wha???). Then I grabbed her hand and declared that we HAD to talk anime.

The Airport we went to was like freakishly huge with a really, really long sidewalk up to it. So Meg started singing anime theme song mashups on the way up (she was really good) and I joined her, and we chatted about the shows and how Gavin never really listened to her about the shows on the way up. Jermey and Gavin were chatting about the new rules of flying in the background and how Trump was now making security keep a list of people who have tickets, and then another 'Trump-approved' list of people whi could fly without tickets. And how there's been a lot lf problems with it because anyone whi isn't white passing or part of the military are being put in waiting rooms before flieghts because of it, and some people have missed flieghts as a result. I'm thinking I'll be fine because I have two brother's in the miltary (nive use of foreshadowing, dream-brain). Finally we reach the airport, but Gavin and Meg split off because they parked their car here before work I guess and they needed to go put a sticker on it? So me and Jeremy start walking towards the security for this place, but we have to go all the way across the building for it. At one point we start to walk by a guy in a YouTube shirt and Jeremy goes "Watch this" and shouts "Hi I'm Jeremy Dooley!" And the guy just stares at him blankly. And I guess I have a YouTube channel, because I give him my username for it and he just nods at me. But then he does a doubke take and just stares at me and goes, "You were on Miles Luna's livestream!" And internally I was like "knew it" because appearantly we all knew it would be known as that even tho Miles wasn't on the livestream at all?? And I was like "yeah I am" as a passed him. But the dude followed us and was like "Are you dating him?" And I was like "No" and somehow I knew he would ask me out. Then the dude took of his shirt and said "Wanna date me?" And I was like "No thanks" and he was all "But why?" But then we were at the security gate so he left. There was a little old lady in front of us, and after giving her name to the agent he asked her what she did, who she was going to see, and a few other questions I couldn't hear and then told her she had to step aside and go to another desk. As this is happening, another security gaurd clears Jeremy. I get the security gaurd that just sent the old lady to the waitint room and now I'm not so sure I'll be fine because that old lady looked white af. So he takes my name and asks me how my day is and I say great and then he asks me if I like Harry Potter and I'm like "I love it! Its my favorite series" and he smiles at me and says that's nice and for a second I think he'll let me pass.....and then he sends me off to the side, to the same desk as rhe little old lady and I'm like shit. So I tell Jeremy I'll catch up to him. At this point I think its a good thing we showed uo three hours early. So I go to the desk and the guy there calls me something completely different, so I correct him, and then he's like "Okay i think I may see you here but we have to check a few things" and sends me to the side room, which is up some escalators that go down instead of up. The little old lady is at the escalators and she's bitching about how she's too old for this but goes up there anyway. Once we're in the room we're told to take off our shoes and put on provided slippers for some reason. The room is PACKED for some reason. I'm confused because it seems to be a very mixed group, until I hear someone talking about hiw J.K. Rowling is doing an event in North Korea a few hours after the flight lands and everyone flying out of the U.S. for past events similar to it have had the same issues and some even missed their flights. And I realize they're not just targetting POC but Harry Potter fans too for some reason, and I got caught up in it because I got my ticket last minute.

So I sit there for a bit, fuming because its bullshit. Then I decide to act like my name is called, and I go down the escalator and manage to get past the ticket gate cuz the room is behind the security check but there's no gaurds outside it. I go to one of those moving floor things, thinking it will take me to my gate, but there's like three of them and they're all color coded. Turns out there actually for baggage and halfway though it I realize this and try to get off, but then a different gaurd spots me doing this. I tell the gaurd this is my first time at this airport and he explains to me what luggage each belt is supposed to be for. So I leave my bag and jacket on the belts, and he leads me to a different belt. He explains to me that this is for travellers and it will incase me in a protective 'film' for travelling but there's no one else there, just these weird circular things going on these belts and encasing them in what looks like plastic, and I turned to him and go "what the hell??" And he just looks at me and is like "What do you think that is?" And I say "I think its a vacuum plastic machine and you're trying to kill me!" And he's all "I know you didn't pass the security check" and starts on the rant about people like me who break the rules result in people being fired, and he knows Trumps regulations are bullshit but its still not fair for me to do this, so I deserve to die. At this point a different gaurd appears with a piece of paper. The gaurd I'm talking to looks at it, pales, and stammers out an apology to me and says I can go, but I have to go to a specific restaurant in the food court first to talk to some doctor. And I'm like fine, I still have 2 hours till my flight anyway.

But as I'm heading out I hear the security gaurd ask the second gaurd how long I have left, and the second gaurd say "We really don't know" and now I'm creeped out but I hope it has something to do with my anaemia and its nothing series. So I show up at the food court and spot the doctor, and as I approach him he seems very upset so I'm like "what's wrong?" And he says "I lost my 50th gold coin! That was the last coin I needed for the collection and I lost it!" And somehow I know the airport is doing a thing where if you collect like 100 gold coins scattered around the airpirt you get a prize. And I'm thinking this doctor is too old for this, and go to sit down. But as I do I spit a gold coin with the number 50 on it. So I pick it up and say to the doctor "Here, I think this is yours" and he takes it from me and suddenly theres fireworks and confetti everywhere as he celebrates. Then the dream ends.

Still don't know what I was dying from. Also didn't even get to see dream-Korea.

[splooshsplooshwatersploosh]

No one would actually miss me if I were gone. I keep avoiding things as self harm and suicide but it is everywhere and I normally don’t get triggered or anything BUT I JUST WANT ONE DAY WHERE I DOMT THINK THAT killing myself would be the best and only option. It is tho. No more pain. But what pain I don’t even have pain. I just want to die for no reason. I am so pathetic, people are depressed for better reasons and here comes the whiny crybaby that wants to die because what? You don’t like school. I should die because I deserve it. I have no value. I don’t do anything. I just want to lie down and feel nothing and also everything. Everything kinda feels numb. Nothing really excites me. Yea the drama I create. Having crushes and almost revealing it. But we all know that is all fake. A weird coping mechanism just to feel something. Tv shows aren’t enough anymore so you play around and pretend you like someone. Eventually your body imitates the signs of love. Heart beat increase, body feels warm. Weird stomach feels. I have to be honest. I can do that on commando. If that is love. Then I can choose who I love. So is that being no or Pan? Shouldn’t this come of as natural. I don’t know. I am so tired. I can’t think straight. I am just so bored out of my mind. Maybe something exciting happens if I have tinder. Who knows. I meet a psycho person. Or someone who genuinely likes me. Scratch the last one, I don’t care tbh. I just want someone to cuddle and watch shows with and sometimes fuck. And if you are going to say that is a relationship then don’t get one because a relationship is more than that. It’s honestly a pain. I can give life a year probably. If next year is still sucky then I prolly gonna write some Shit down for my funeral.

I definitely want to have holier songs, because he is amazing. Everyone has to go classic black or white. My bestie of je still is my bestie can think of a few songs that would fit me. I believe in him. In a year or so we probably don’t talk anymore. My attitude keeps changing.

I hope watching shows where everyone is depressed or so doesn’t you know make it worse. I do remember watching a show where like every episode was a trigger and after that I was fucked up. No idea what show. Probably forgot it.

I keep getting weird image thoughts. It’s bloody and gore. I hate it. Things I wanna do to me. But I don’t wanna. I hate pain. The idea that //tw Selfharm// a sharp blade goes into my skin and rips it open so badly that I can just put my fingers into it and fuck it more up. Nah I’m good. Or the thoughts where I grab a mega knife and keep stabbing me everywhere. I hate my legs. I hate my arms. I hate everything that is called my body. I am ugly. I know that. I want to draw things on my skin but it’s gonna hurt. I’m sensitive.

So sensitive. In every way. I cry easily. I overthink everything. But if you punched me then it probably hurt so badly. Every time someone hits me. I want to cry. Maybe emotional cry or just physically cry. You know. I deserve to get punched. I hope I get murdered by a gunshot into my head. I should Go into drugs. They always have guns and funny business. Bruh where do you find them drugs. I also could overdose.